i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
