Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I FOUND THE LEGS
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
