I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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