def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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