Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
