Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
