If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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