I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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