he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
