bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Randomize
