I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
