So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
