Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
