I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
