I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
