Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
