I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize