Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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