Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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