my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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