I hope mine doesn't look like that
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
