i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
