Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
