Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
