im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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