found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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