I'm so fucking centered right now
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
