Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
