I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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