i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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