Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I want a musical about memes.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize