Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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