i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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