Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
