I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
