then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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