i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
