About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
