just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Slut skills are useful in every country.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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