the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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