Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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