I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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