a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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