Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
