Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Randomize
