I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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