Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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