I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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