I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
