I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
