oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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