my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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