Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
