i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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