does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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