Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
