Three words: puerto rican gang bang
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
