I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize